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Jan. 29th, 2011

kokimaloki

I don't know anymore.

I don't know where should I write anymore. I update livejournal, but most of them are private.... People don't like to see rant things, don't they? So I don't know if I have friends or not. Because I usually rant to "objects", for example, pillow or computer. I want to rant to people, but people don't seem like to read rants. I don't know.

On ym or msn, I always being a ghost, I try to be available right now. When I available, it seems no one recognize me anymore, it's so different with the past.
When you're just appeared again after been invisible for a long time, and nobody noticed, and you need someone to talk with, would you feel confused? I'm so confused, what should I say to them, will I annoy them. Some people are available but they might be don't want to be disturbed. Especially it's me, who had been invisible all the time, suddenly send an IM ... won't they be surprised?
Am I still their friend?
Do I still exist for them? Do they need me?
I'm afraid, they don't need me anymore because they already have other friends, and with same fandom.. I'm afraid, having a different fandom with my friends, can make a distant between us. Little by little. I'm afraid.
I'm afraid, I'll be a "ghost" forever.  I'm still believing my best friends. but how about friends who are not so close? We giggled together sometimes, chatting in the past. but now, we rarely talk. I only have best friends that I believed in. but, .....they're not always here for me. What's left? Myself. At the end, I'm alone. I'm online on ym now and I can't talk to anyone, so scared if I annoy someone by sending them IM, just to say "Hi".

I don't have any close friends in campus for over 4 years. I only rely on internet friends, but....I always afraid, if I annoy them, because I always chat with them, but I don't really know, if I annoy them or not! Humans tend to lie so they won't be hated. I'm afraid that my existence is not hoped by them but they keep silent about it.

Even I don't know anymore about what's going on on internet. People are talking about anything that I don't know. Even in local comic world. I feel outdated..sometimes. Even though what I do all the time is sitting in front of the computer and lurking on internet. On anywhere, alone, of course.

Hey sorry for the English if it has so many mistakes, I'm too lazy to reread and correcting things. thanks.

Actually....my current watches here on LJ are only..two people lol, sorry guys.. for this. I can't post this on dA, because I promised to my watchers I won't make rant journals anymore (well, I will, just not now).
I just always feel lonely. and my friends can make other friends, they're okay without me.

Writing here and let it public, makes me feel better. Make it as private, can't make me feel better, dunno why.
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Sep. 23rd, 2008

kokimaloki

haha

wow I have LJ account now :D
I joined LJ just for fun.. well.. some people asked me to join LJ, so..yeah. I just bored and..made LJ account.
...my english is not so good tough ._.lll

okay. I must stop running away from real life. sigh..THIS IS SO HARD.

:D
kokimaloki

January 2011

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